Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Greatest Movie EVER Made

After the recent success of superhero movies like Then Avengers, Iron Man Trilogy and The Dark Knight Trilogy and the immense interest in Man of Steel, the Hollywood studio heads had a secret meeting. All the studio heads wanted to make a multi-billion dollar grossing 3D movie which would even be critically acclaimed. They decided to make a worldwide movie with actors, directors and musicians from all over the world and wanted the accomplished writers of Hollywood to pen down the script.

And to hype the movie, a worldwide contest was held where the winner would be involved in the entire movie making process from start to end. And guess what, yours truly won this contest.

And so I have been attending every meeting along with the studio heads. The final writers selected for this dream project were Roman Polański, Christopher Nolan, Quentin Tarantino and David S. Goyer.

The story was finalized and it took the writers only a fortnight to get the first draft of the script ready. It was going to be a sci-fi, western, romantic movie with elements of supernatural and time-travel. After the disastrous response to Cloud Atlas, the writers left no stone unturned to make this an epic script.

Now the studio heads and the writers decided to contact the directors who could do justice to this epic script and start casting accordingly.

So it’s been almost two months and the entire cast has been finalized except for the part of the actor in the leading role. The final list was as follows:


James Cameron (An American director, hired for his experience of directing billion dollar grossing movies like Titanic and Avatar)
Ang Lee (A Taiwanese director, hired for recreating magic with 3D like he had done earlier with Life of Pi)
M. Shyamalan (An Indian director, hired for his experience in making such movies like The Sixth Sense and Untouchable with such climaxes that leave people speechless, be it for its awesomeness or mediocrity)
Asghar Farhadi (An Iranian director, hired for his experience in making realistic movies like A SeparationAbout Elly and Dancing in the Dust among others)
Jean-Pierre Jeunet (A French director, hired for his experience in making feel good movies like Amélie)


Jackie Chan, Morgan Freeman, Christoph Waltz, Amitabh Bachchan, Clint Eastwood, Robert Di Nero,  Rajinikanth, Jack Nicholson and the leading actor (yet to be decided).


Meryl Streep, Marion Cotillard, Audrey Tautou, Penelope Cruz and Kate Winslet.

Guest Appearances:

Tiger Woods, Sir Ravindra Jadeja, Mike Tyson, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Donald Trump, David Beckham, Sachin Tendulkar, Chuck Norris, Al Pacino and Katrina Kaif.


Roman Polański, Christopher Nolan, Quentin Tarantino and David S. Goyer.


Hans Zimmer and A. R. Rehman.

The directors and the studio heads broke their heads and shortlisted five actors, one of whom would be the leading man. The five actors were Brad Pitt, Leonardo Di Caprio, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr and Christian Bale.

Now the problem was that these actors had such influence in the Hollywood industry that leaving even one out would be a travesty and in this case, only one among them was going to be selected. The studio heads just wanted their cast ready but not at the expense of spoiling relations with any of these actors. So finalizing the lead actor was just a formality for them.

Finally, after a lot of meetings, arguments and thought, it was decided that I, being an impartial and neutral party, would be the one to decide the leading actor because honestly, any of these five actors would be a huge catch and be perfect for the role.

I decided to have a chat with all the potential contenders. Let them also know who their competitors are. Frankly, I had no plan and I just decided to go with the flow and see what happened.

Me: Hello, one and all. As a ardent fan of world movies, I’m quite honored to be chosen to finalize the leading man. Now, as you all know this is a very tricky and difficult situation, so I have come up with a plan. I want each one of you to portray one of your past movie characters in this entire conversation. You can’t break character.

Brad Pitt: The first rule here is: You do not break character. The second rule here is: You do not break character. I’m Tyler Durdan.
Tyler Durdan (Fight Club)

Leonardo Di Caprio: Im Calvin Candie. Gentlemen, you had my curiosity. But now you have my attention.
Calvin Candie (Django Unchained)

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.
BATMAN (The Dark Knight Trilogy)

Johnny Depp: I’m Captain... Captain Jack Sparrow. What do you say to five shillings each and you forget the role?
Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Robert Downey Jr: So you actually thought of bribing me? And just five shillings for the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist? There's one more guy you pissed off Jack. His name's Tony Stark.
Tony Stark (Iron Man)

 Johnny Depp: Captain... Captain Jack Sparrow.

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.

Brad Pitt: I look like you guys wanna look, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you guys are not.

Me: Guys, sledging won’t help you in the least bit and might actually decrease your chances of getting this role.

Leonardo Di Caprio: He is a rambunctious sort, ain't he?

Robert Downey Jr: Couldn’t agree more, my man. Captain, all I’ve heard about you are negative things and you expect to get this role?

Johnny Depp: Ah, but you have heard of me.

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.

Brad Pitt: Wearing a bat-suit up your butt doesn’t make you ‘BATMAN’. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.

Leonardo Di Caprio: You have no idea what you're dealing with.

Robert Downey Jr: King Henry XIV? The most deplorable human being this world has ever seen? Well, actually he was at least he was a king and you are? Who are you exactly?

Leonardo Di Caprio: I think you are a bad loser. Are you brooding about me getting the best of you, huh?

Me: Guys, everybody stop antagonizing each other. Do you hear me?

Brad Pitt: No, I didn't quite catch that.

Me: I said stop antagonizing each other.

Brad Pitt: Still not getting it.

Me: You got to be kidding me.

Brad Pitt: Ok, I got it. Shit, I lost it.

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.

Johnny Depp: Apparently there's some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the Universal studios, eh? How could it be that four upstanding gentlemen, such as yourselves, are wasting your time here?

Robert Downey Jr: No, no no, deceit or schemes, Captain Jack Sparrow. You need rum? I'm sorry, it’s over.

Johnny Depp: But why is the rum always gone?

Leonardo Di Caprio: Now bright boy…

Johnny Depp: Captain... Captain Jack Sparrow.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Yes, Captain Jack sparrow. I will admit you are pretty clever. But I’ll get this role.

Christian Bale: I’m BATMAN.

All (in unison): Yes, we know.

Me: Guys, I’ve heard enough and I’ve made my decision.

Leonardo Di Caprio: I’m pretty confident that I’ve got this role. It was a pleasure doing business with y'all.

Robert Downey Jr: Mr Candie, you have to consider the possibility that Rafaa does not like you, never wanted you, in all probability he hates you. It's not the worst thing that could happen.

Me: Guys, hear me out. The rule of here was…

Brad Pitt: The first rule here is: You do not break character. The second rule here is: You do not break character.

Me: You can stop it now. The person who stick true to his character and never broke it was… Mr. Christian Bale. Congratulations, Sir. You will be the leading actor of the movie.
Christian Bale
Christian Bale: They told me there was nothing out there, no new fascinating role to play, no milestone to capture. But tonight I caught a glimpse of something. I've looked for it ever since. I went around the world, searched in all the shadows. And there was something about this entire deal that brought out the best in me. Bloody hell. What a group full of talented and inspirational people, and what the hell am I doing here, in the midst of you? Such an honor. You all have taught me so much more now than I have ever learned in my entire life.

Johnny Depp: It was an honor, guys. Christian, give it your best shot, savvy?

Leonardo Di Caprio: Mr. Bale, all the best in your future endeavors.

Brad Pitt: You never cease to amaze me Christian. Good luck.

Robert Downey Jr: Oh my, your speech was amazing man. You made me cry. Now come here and give me a kiss, Christian. Jokes apart, from one man to another, actually from Iron Man to Batman, it’s always a pleasure speaking to you.

Christian Bale: Thank you guys. I’m at a loss of words. I don’t know what to say.

Me: It was nice knowing and talking to you all. That’s all folks. Goodnight.

And now that the casting is finally done, the movie will go on floors in about 11 days. I’m eagerly waiting to witness the shooting of ‘The Greatest Movie EVER Made’.


Ankita said...

Oh I loved this post...mainly bcoz I love Leonardo!!


Rafaa Dalvi said...

I have many friends who would kill you to lessen the competition :P

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